Write him off.

I drank too much the night before and woke up with a headache and a vague feeling of embarrassment. Vague because I couldn’t really remember what I had done to embarrass myself, but I knew I had. I rolled over and looked at you sleeping and for a minute I let myself imagine it was all a dream, those things you did. I let myself pretend that everything had returned to how it was, allowed myself blissful ignorance for just a few seconds. And then I remembered, and I pictured myself quietly placing my pillow above your beautiful face and holding it down over your mouth until you were quiet and peaceful. Away from here, away from me.

I saw your phone beside you, right next to your pillow. And I had to look at it. I needed to know. I looked through your text messages and there were girl’s names I did not know. I breathed in sharply as I opened the first one. It says, “I forgot my socks at your house”. I glance on your floor and in the corner I see silver and gray striped sparkly socks and I hate you. I hate you for having her socks on your floor, for not even bothering to hide them.

You must have felt it somehow because you opened your eyes and saw me holding your phone. You slammed your elbow into my chest and took your phone back. I just lay there, clavicle throbbing. You told me to leave. I said I was going to leave, threatening you, but I did not make a move to do it.

I looked at you, pleading with my eyes. I say, Tell me you do not love me. Tell me you are not going to change. I don’t want to hope anymore. You glance down for a second and then look up, right into my eyes. You say, I do not love you. I am not going to change. And I look back, into you, and I know it is true. I tell you I believe you. I pick up the phone to call my friend and as I’m talking you shoot me this look. I can honestly say I don’t know if it was a look of love or desperate fear but either way, I know what will happen next. You take my clothes off as I’m speaking and I don’t argue or pull away. You climb over me and push inside of me just as I’m saying goodbye. And you are saying I love you over and over and I believe it more with each thrust. I get on top of you and we are both near tears. You’re holding me tightly, hands gripping my waist, telling me about the kids we are going to have. Our first will be a boy. I push my hips into you, I want to be this close to you forever, I want your lies to be truth. We are greedy lovers, each begging, silently pleading with the other to stay, getting off on imagining the future we could have. Desperate for each other, wanting it all, all at once, right that moment.

Submitted by Shante Cosme.