Write him off.

This is the first time this story has ever been told in detail. This is not about a past boyfriend or even a past friend but its still about a ‘him’ that needs to be written off. Written off my chest, written out of my mind.

It was August, I’m thinking I was in 6th or 7th grade only because I can recall exactly what I was wearing, and I was in the ocean to the far right at Hither Hills beach no more than waist deep. I knew him well, very well actually. He wasn’t my father but he was probably the closest thing I had at that time to a father so of course I blindly trusted him. My bathing suit was purple and had white flowers with blue and green centers on it. It had a halter top and the then-popular boy-shorts for bottoms. I wasn’t alone in the water, I was accompanied by my cousin who is a year younger than me and his father. Then it happened. I don’t even know what to call “it” but I know “it” was wrong. The man I knew and trusted slipped his hand down the back of my shorts. It felt like it was for a split second and I jumped and awkwardly swam away. I’m not sure what happened, I’m not sure how long it lasted, and there’s a strong possibility that I blocked much of it out, but I do know that whatever happened was wrong. It scared me and hurt me and made me think twice about trust and what it really is. From that day forward I hated him. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and wanted nothing to do with him.

Going from spending time with or around him weekly to refusing his presence you would think that someone would catch on but no one did. I didn’t say a word of any of this until I was a Sophomore in college. I’m not sure what made me say it but I can tell you that I was in my ex boyfriend’s dad’s white explorer and for whatever reason we were driving to White Castle in Queens in the middle of the night. I told him and it felt good to get it out. He somehow convinced me to tell my family and I did. I have no recollection how I said it or what the initial reaction was but I can tell you that the days and weeks and months following weren’t pleasant ones. Some blew it out of the water and said things like “we will have him taken care of” which didn’t help because that’s not the reaction I was looking for. Then again I’m still not sure what I was looking for. Others didn’t believe me and that hurt the most. I think till this day some still don’t believe me and that still hurts.

I remember the first time I saw ‘him’ after I had said something. I was in Fridays with a different boyfriend about a year later, this boyfriend knew what had happened and fully supported me and my feelings. My initial reaction when I saw ‘him’ was to say hi and resume warmth but not even one second later fear filled my body and I remember my brain being really confused and I jumped back. He asked me why I would “make that up?” How could any intelligent human being with a beating heart who knew ME so well think or say that I made that up? Would I really want that pain and embarrassment and shame? Thankfully my then boyfriend took over the situation and we left.

And that was that, much of the rest is just a distant blur of pain and still shameful feelings. Not even a year ago I told my therapist. My reasoning for going to her had nothing to do with ‘him’ but it felt great to get it out to her; my safe place. She said she had never seen me sound so passionate about something. I’m not exactly sure what that meant but regardless it felt right. Here and there I hear his name and it still makes me cringe. Within the last week I’ve had two nightmares about him. Each time I am somewhere I trust and feel safe in and he shows up and looks for me. I hide but he finds me. I wake up upset and distorted but then I realize I am awake and okay and he is no where in sight.

Submitted by anonymous.